Boys and Anger:
Why Punishments Lead to Isolation and Loneliness
"Why Boys’ Anger Feels Like Too Much—And How to Respond with Compassion and Confidence"Synopsis:
In this personal episode, I dive into the emotional complexities of raising boys and navigating their anger. I’m shares my own journey of moving from reactive parenting—rooted in fear, perfectionism, and frustration—to a more compassionate and empowering approach. Here are the key takeaways:
Anger is a Wave of Energy, Not a Problem to Fix
I reframe anger as a natural emotion, especially for boys navigating developmental stages. Instead of labeling it as “bad,” I encourages parents to see it as a wave of energy that will pass—and to approach it with curiosity rather than fear.Why Punishment and Shame Don’t Work
Sending kids to isolation when they’re angry teaches them to suppress emotions they don’t understand. This can lead to long-term emotional disconnection in teenage boys and adult men. Boys need connection and coaching.The Power of Validation
Simply acknowledging a child’s feelings—“You sound really angry”—can diffuse tension and make them feel seen. This small shift in language has transformed my interactions with my boys.Follow-Up Coaching is Key
AFTER the heat of the moment, have calm, reflective conversations with your child. Teach them to understand the impact of their actions without guilt and shame, remind them that they are learning to manage big feelings, and explore healthy outlets for anger, like smashing rocks or using a punching bag.The Parent’s Role in Breaking the Cycle
My own triggers including perfectionism and fear of losing control have fueled her reactive responses and created a very nervous reaction in me. By addressing her own emotional patterns, I am able to create a calmer, more supportive environment for her boys.Trust the Process of Emotional Growth
Boys are experimenting with tones, boundaries, and ways of asserting themselves. This is normal and necessary for their development—and that it’s okay (and more productive) to address behavior later, rather than in the heat of the moment.Compassion Starts with You
Sself-awareness and self-compassion are crucially important. By understanding why you’re triggered by your child’s anger, you can respond with more patience and empathy, breaking the cycle of escalating emotions.
Why This Episode Matters
This episode is a lifeline for parents who feel overwhelmed by their children’s anger and their own reactions to it. It’s not just about managing behavior—it’s about fostering emotional intelligence, connection, and resilience in both parents and kids. Emily’s vulnerability and practical advice make this a must-listen for anyone navigating the messy, beautiful journey of parenting.
FULL TRANSCRIPT
Emily Garcia (00:01.206)
Hey guys, it's Emily. I wanted to go a little deeper into this conversation of boys and anger today because I did write a blog post about when boy anger feels too much and talk a lot about like the feelings that surface inside of me when my boys are freaking out. But what I didn't talk about is how I finally came to shift to where I can have a better response to them because there were weeks when I was
reacting to them from a place of, are you kidding me right now? And how dare you speak to me like that? And other phrases that were kind of like I would have my regular go-tos. And so I don't ever want to present this conversation like I do things perfectly. I often have to go through a very messy period that evokes enough sadness inside of me about the rhythm.
and the dynamics in our household that I'm willing to change. for me, like I've mentioned, that occurred as my boys got older. And I realized that my expectations, as far as how I thought they should respond or handle their emotions, like it had me just feeling angry with them all the time that they were getting angry with me. I thought that they should be, I thought things would be easier.
And I think what I'm realizing is that boys will often just go through a difficult transition period when maybe they're experiencing more anger than usual. I know that my six-year-old is experiencing that right now, even though at this point we're kind of settled and the international move is behind us. Five, six, seven-ish is a developmental stage when children start to see themselves as unique individuals in that realization that they are separate from their parents.
and from others can often lead to feelings of isolation and confusion and sadness that can surface as anger. you know, my eight-year-old a while back had his own period of time when he was feeling more explosive and now my six-year-old is kind of going through it. And there were plenty of days that I did not respond to them in the ways that I hoped. And so,
Emily Garcia (02:23.831)
There's two aspects of this that I really wanna talk about with boys and their anger, which is I touched on in the article that boys often experience feelings of sadness and feelings of frustration, often like the overwhelm of school, boys trying to follow the rules, boys trying to understand social dynamics can come out as explosive anger. And I will never forget,
A few years ago, there was like this viral meme on Instagram of a little boy who had been sent to time out in the bathroom and he was kind of holding himself and rocking himself and singing the song all by myself. And everyone was like, oh, cry me a river. Oh, how like so dramatic. Oh, give me a break. And
I received it totally differently. I was like, this is so effed up, right? This is a young boy who is literally telling us how he feels when he is sent to time out to try and reconcile feelings all by himself that he himself does not even understand, right? They may not, they do not understand why they hit.
They do not understand why they punch or talk back or speak with a nasty attitude when they are feeling what they're actually feeling is sad. They themselves do not understand this. And then they are punished and sent away from us to try to figure it out all by themselves. Right? And then we wonder why our teenage boys lock their rooms and don't want to talk to us about what's going on. Right?
or why are adult men have such a hard time talking through an emotional situation or being emotionally present during a really stressful or a sad time. And it's just so astoundingly obvious to me that what they need during those moments is not punishment. And yet I have also done the yelling
Emily Garcia (04:44.864)
sent them away from me because just because we begin to understand this doesn't mean that we are capable of calming our nervous systems and responding in a way that is helpful to them.
So there's a couple of things I really needed to look at to understand why I became so triggered in these moments. And the first one is I had this belief that like, if my kid talks back to me and I kind of let it roll off my back, that I'm just allowing them to treat me like crap. I'm just allowing them, I'm creating a dynamic in the household where they can treat their mom like crap and talk down to their mom. And that is not true.
Right? They are experimenting with different tones in different ways of asserting themselves. And the truth is I actually want them to assert themselves. You know, I do still hear people saying, you know, when adult tells you something, it's yes ma'am or no ma'am. Okay, well, what about if that adult tells you, pull down your pants and show me your penis, right? Like, don't we actually want them to be comfortable?
talking to us or talking to an adult or asserting themselves that they're in a situation that doesn't feel right to them on the inside. So I needed to begin to trust and this came through a lot of work with talking to my friend Donna, who will be featured on the Dear Donna podcast. This came through a lot of work in understanding with her that
we can allow those moments of anger to surface and trust that they are kind of learning and testing different ways to express themselves and trust that through coaching later, we will be able to refine that more, that it doesn't have to happen in the heated moment. And that doesn't make us a doormat. It doesn't mean we're creating a space where they can just treat us like garbage. It just means that we're going to address that later.
Emily Garcia (06:48.98)
So that was the first realization and trust that I need to have. And I can promise you in the shifts that I've seen with my eight year old in learning to kind of just pause and say, you sound really angry. Let's take a minute and we'll talk about this instead of saying, calm down or how dare you talk to me like that. First of all, me just seeing him and saying, you sound really angry.
often calms him immediately because he feels seen. There is truly like nothing more valuable to anyone than feeling seen and understood. You know, just last night it was time for the iPads to go away and I said, one minute guys and my older son was like, my game is wrapping up, my game is wrapping up, let me see it. And my younger son is like, I already put mine away, this is unbelievable, like I can't believe he's still playing.
And I wanted to rationalize and be like, I cannot believe you're giving me attitude. We never do iPads in a school night. I finally give you iPads and it's backfiring. This is why I will never do this and like shame him. And instead I was like, that feels awful to you that he's getting one extra minute. I totally get it.
But that doesn't mean I was willing to enter into that game of, okay, you play for one more minute and then now you play for one more minute and then now you play for one more minute. We're both kind of like finishing up for one minute and the iPads never end. I still held my boundary. It feels horrible to you that he's still playing. And also you still can't have your iPad. I didn't have to say that. Ooh, it feels horrible to you that he's finishing up his game. He's gonna turn it off in about 30 seconds. He's just wrapping up.
so the second thing that I needed to realize, and this came for me one day when my boys were fighting and I was starting to get kind of anxious and hover around them and like get that super nervous, anxious energy. And my older son looks at me and goes, mommy, it's normal to have fights. You just want everything to be perfect all the time. Right?
Emily Garcia (09:09.123)
He helped me look inside of myself and realize that my psychotic controlling perfectionism is what was causing anger for me to be stressful for me in the first place. I want everything to be good. I want everything to be easy. I want everything to be relaxed. I want everything to be perfect because I was always so deeply insecure as a person that everything had to be perfect on the outside of me.
And that's almost impossible when you have children in your house. There's going to be messes, there's going to be tension, there's going to be whining, there's going to be arguing, there's going to be anger. And my perfectionism was causing me to not be able to respond to them in the moment. And the third thing was, is I had assigned anger as a bad thing, right?
I thought anger was bad. And even just realizing that anger is just an emotion that boys experience more because of the development of their prefrontal cortex and how, you know, even when they're super, super young children, how they often can't put words to what they're feeling. Their brain often can't figure out what they're feeling.
other than just the feeling of anger. So it just surfaces anger.
You know, I think it was like the second they started arguing, I would just fast forward to this moment where like my kids were constantly fighting and just thinking we're never gonna break out of this cycle. We're always gonna be miserable. In realizing there's gonna be moments in life when anger surfaces. And if I can realize that this is just a wave of energy that is gonna pass through their bodies.
Emily Garcia (11:09.082)
and not be so fazed by it and not assign it as bad and instead be more curious what is below their anger, right? Instead of just reacting to the behavior or freezing up and being like angry at them for getting angry because anger creates that fear response inside of me.
look at it and say, why is this anger so triggering for me? And for me, it was the perfectionism and the assignment that anger is bad.
And so what that allowed me to do was not resist them so much in that moment, right? One of the things I noticed is like, let's say my six year old was starting to get kind of nasty. And I'm like, Jace, are you kidding me? Well, then his older brother would start talking to him like that. And that's when the anger escalates even more because then
They're shaming and then there's name calling and everything is just escalating and escalating. And instead of when I can just say, wow, you sound super upset by what just happened. Okay, let's take a look at it. And not be so terrified of their anger and not take it as some radio signal that the dynamics of our healthy, of our family, we're gonna be forever like negative and angry and none of us were ever gonna be able to, you know.
It's like, it seems hard, right? The days when they fight the most is like Saturdays and Sundays when you're just trying to have a relaxing day as a family or on family vacations, you know? It's like, are you kidding me right now? We're in Disney World. We've done a million things for you and literally spent hundreds of dollars and you're complaining because you can't have cotton candy.
Emily Garcia (13:00.016)
even though you've already had two desserts today and I bought you a bubble wand and you had ice cream at 9 a.m. Are you kidding me, right? We shame them for this anger that surfaces and that is what creates the cycle.
Emily Garcia (13:18.78)
I just wanted to go into a little bit more detail about that because understanding truly why responding to them with punishment and shame, how that is not serving them when it comes to later on being able to process what's going on, figure out what they're feeling.
interact with people and self-regulate when they're feeling angry.
Right? How damaging it can be to a child to be sent to isolation to figure things out on their own that they themselves don't even understand.
So understanding that aspect has been crucially important in motivating me to figure out why I was always reacting to their anger from a place of so much tension and anger and fear in myself. So.
Only after I did that was I able to start responding to them and literally kind of just seeing it as like this wave of emotion that's coming through them and can pass right through me.
Emily Garcia (14:41.543)
I would really encourage you to reflect on why it's so triggering to you. And I promise you that if you start to have some follow-up conversations with your boys after the fact, where you say something like, you were really, really upset earlier. You got so angry when your brother took that from you.
You know, I want you to think about maybe how you would feel when someone calls you annoying. How does that feel? It feels bad, yeah.
I just want you to know that I feel the same way when someone calls me annoying.
Right? It's hard. It's hard. Calling names is really hard. And so when you can, maybe you can say, I feel so frustrated right now. Right? Do a little bit of coaching around what they experienced.
Emily Garcia (15:50.382)
I can't allow you to punch your brother when you feel upset. It is not okay that he took that from you. It's definitely not okay that he grabbed from you. And I've talked to him about that as well. It's also not okay in our house. don't hurt each other's bodies. So.
Let's talk again about what you can do when you feel that angry. Your hammer's right outside the garage door. You can go smash rocks.
There's the big punching bag in the garage and your little punching bag is out back. You know, I know, I know that you feel the need to get that anger out of your body. You just can't do it from punching people. You know, and you're, you're such a good person. I'm so proud of you. You're figuring it out. It's totally normal to not know what to do with all that anger when you feel it and you're figuring it out.
Emily Garcia (16:58.637)
Okay, guys, I just wanted to share a little bit more detail with you and encourage you to reflect on why you get so triggered by the anger, what you're afraid of, so that you can start. Honestly, just the awareness will help you to respond differently in that moment.
So that you can start to respond to them from a place of more self-compassion, self-understanding and patience for yourself. Instead of getting bogged down in the reactions and the anger that just kind of perpetuates the cycle of more and more and more anger and misunderstanding. So, please if you try this, let me know what you find out about yourself and let me know if anything
has been helpful to you.