My son isn't a "hugger" so here's what I do instead- and why it matters

Yesterday, my son and I had a tough moment. He was feeling super anxious about reading a long assignment in Spanish for school. He was restless—bouncing, breaking pencils, trying to release all that nervous energy. I offered to let him sit on my lap, and he actually did. It helped him calm down enough for us to work through it together. (For the record, this doesn’t always work. Sometimes he needs to stand, bounce, or take frequent breaks. Every day is different.)

When he finished, I told him how proud I was and went in for a big hug. “Don’t hug me!!” he said. Sometimes I still forget that he doesn't love hugs. I mean, he doesn’t even want a hug from me? Ouch. I froze for a minute, then said, “Can I tackle you instead?” He nodded

I tackled him onto the couch, playfully punched him a few times, pretended I was breaking his legs over my knees, and we laughed and wrestled for a bit. It was like all the tension from the homework and the rejected hug just melted away in those silly, playful moments.

Anyway, this entire awkward exchange reminded me of something. 

He isn’t a hugger. He never has been, but it’s getting “worse” as he gets older because he used to hug me and his dad often… before he would decline hugs from friends or family members, but never me and his dad. Sometimes, after school or when we’ve been apart for a while, he’ll still lets me hug him. But most of the time it’s not what he wants. That stings.  And when I let that space between us linger too long—physically and emotionally— I start to feel it on every layer of our relationship. So, I’ve learned to connect in ways that feel natural and fun for him… and meet that need of physical touch. 

Dr. Michael Reichert, author of How to Raise a Boy, explains:

“Boys don’t stop needing closeness. They just learn to suppress that need because of social pressures.”

Dr. Allan Schore, neuroscientist, psychologist, UCLA School of Medicine:

"Secure attachment between a boy and his caregiver facilitates the optimal development of the prefrontal cortex, the part of the brain responsible for impulse control, decision-making, and emotional regulation. This connection helps boys regulate big emotions and navigate challenges more effectively later in life."

Touch Starvation and Emotional Development: Boys in American culture are particularly vulnerable to touch starvation due to societal expectations of masculinity that discourage emotional and physical closeness, potentially leading to loneliness, depression, anxiety, and attachment issues. https://www.parents.com/how-touch-starvation-impacts-boys-11742396

Here’s what has worked for us:

I’ll joke around and ask for piggyback rides, jumping on his back. Of course, we both end up on the floor laughing, and then I swoop him up and carry him around instead. It’s ridiculous and fun.

Sometimes, when he’s on the floor building, reading, or playing with the dogs, I’ll just sit down next to him. More often than not, he’ll crawl into my lap or start climbing on me in some way.

He loves “stop punching yourself” when I use his fists to “punch” him across the face with sound effects. Of course I never hurt him but it gets us very physically close and makes us both laugh. 

He usually wakes up wanting to sit on my lap for a few minutes, and I make sure to soak it in. I let it last as long as he stays.

He still loves the classic airplane game, though now we joke that I’m the airplane. The shocking part is that he can actually lift me off the ground. It doesn’t last long but we laugh and try a few times anyway… then I let him be the airplane and those long limbs dangling around up there still shocks me.

At bedtime, he loves reading a book then falling asleep with my arm around him. And yes, I still put him to bed because I love the closeness so much… Judge me all you want… he can fall asleep with me for as long as possible.

We play this game called “Hemmy Schlemmy,” (he came up with the name) where I hold him tight and don’t let him escape. He’ll try to wiggle away, and sometimes I let him win. Sometimes I don’t. He gets to decide how hard I make it for him. And of course, I’m threatening and growling, “You’ll never get awaaaaaay” the whole time. (I got this idea from psychologist Lawrence Cohen in Playful Parenting).

We play- fight, and I’ll pick him up and spin him around—though I know I won’t be able to pick him up for much longer because he’s getting so tall and heavy :(

And then there’s “burrito” or “pizza,” where I wrap him in a blanket, squish him tight, and pretend to add toppings. I’ll “squish out the dough,” slather him with “sauce,” and sprinkle “cheese” and “pepperoni” or any other toppings all over him. The more toppings the better! For a burrito, I spread out some “beans”, “cheese”, karate chop “onions” all over him, slather him with “salsa”, and squish him all up in a blanket. For kids who like a lot of sensory input, it’s perfect. It’s silly and over-the-top and both of my boys love this one actually. 

He likes when I crack an “egg” on his head and use my fingers to simulate the egg running down over his scalp and neck.

When we hit a rough patch, I’ll ask myself, “When was the last time we were slightly ridiculous together? When’s the last time he at least sat on my lap?” 

Physical touch is so important—it helps kids develop self-worth, emotional security, and trust. It lowers cortisol (the stress hormone) and increases oxytocin, which fosters bonding. When my boys and I play like this they are visibly happier, more responsive to me, and more relaxed.

And honestly? These moments bring back the lightness and fun to parenting - they probably make me even happier than they make him. 

Why am I even bothering to share this?

Because often I’m parenting “around” my boys, struggling to understand their chaos and high energy play. These types of ideas allow me to deeply reconnect with them and it fills my heart tremendously- and I want the same for all the other boy moms out there, and their little boys. 

What is this bringing to mind for you?

Can you try any of these ideas, or do they spark some of your own?

I promise if you incorporate physical connection like this once per week, you will see a shift. 

What’s something you already love doing together that you haven’t done in a while?

Please share your ideas below, or let me know if you try any of mine and what happens.

Sending love, hugs and hopes for some degree of roughhousing.

Emily Garcia.