The Day I Froze- And What I Do Now Instead

I remember one terrifying moment when my toddler threw his first tantrum. I froze, panicked. I literally did not know what to do.

Was I supposed to ignore him? Scold him? Comfort him?

My instinct told me that this moment was not about the popsicle he was raging over. I had just given birth to his baby brother, and he was sad and struggling with the massive changes. He needed me to show up for him in that moment with compassion and leadership.

Instead, I froze, uncertain of what to do, and horrified that I was so unprepared for that moment.

Do you want to hear something insane?

I actually don't remember how I responded to this tantrum.

I was so stressed and shocked that I don't remember the outcome.

Shortly after this moment, I found an article from Janet Lansbury that empowered me like no other tool I found during that time. It helped me more than play kits, sleep schedules, or healthy snack shortcuts. It helped me feel close to my children, prepared for hard moments, and still diffuse tricky emotional moments.

The magical shift, outlined in the article? I learned to acknowledge my son’s perspective while holding safe boundaries. I still do this today, and now my boys are 7 & 9

Why is this life changing? Because is the simplest way to show our kids that they truly matter without letting them run the show.

As a highly sensitive child, who later came to struggle with an eating disorder and alcoholism at a very young age, I do not believe in bottling up emotions or looking outside of us to decide how we feel. I want my kids to listen to themselves, feel their actual feelings, and still learn to regulate or reach for better tools. I genuinely believe that when we tell our kids “it’s not a big deal” or “you’re fine!” we are teaching them to look outside of themselves to figure out how to feel.

This is literally the basis for creating anxious children (and later adults) who are constantly reading the room, pleasing others, and have zero idea what they think and want for themselves.,

I created a simple reminder so I could remember what to do. This framework allows them to feel seen, heard, and understood- and express emotions (crucially important). But it gives us a framework to be their warm, confident leaders.

Here is the framework:

A- Acknowledge their perspective (you are super angry that your brother took your toy!)

B- Hold your Boundaries (I won’t allow you to hit, blocking if necessary) Alternate- I’m going to move the baby over here, out of reach, until we can all be safe.

C- Coach with compassion (It’s normal to be angry. The next time you get angry you can stomp on the floor or find somewhere to cool off).

Notice how this is different from simply saying “hands are not for hitting!”
punishing
or sending them to timeout

This is the subtle difference between passive, gentle parenting and punitive parenting. There are actual boundaries, physical when necessary. It’s the balance right in the middle. allowing for feelings without shame and punishment while they learn to regulate their brains.

Are you an example person like me? Here are quite a few.

Acknowledge: “you really don’t want to leave the park”

Boundary: “:you can go down the slide 2 more times, then I will help you to the car”

Coach with compassion: as you guide them to the car you quietly empathize with their feelings

Another one:

Acknowledge: “You want to climb into the crib. I won’t allow that while the baby is sleeping,”

Boundary: Calmly remove them from the crib, holding your boundary with quick, gentle leadership

Coach: “You miss your crib, it feels strange to see the baby in there. I understand. Would you like to bring some stuffies in there and play after the nap is over?”

Third example:

Acknowledge: “That really hurt you. I saw that!”

Boundary: “I understand why you are angry. I won’t allow you to call names, or mock your brother.. We are all going to separate for a minute to cool off.."

Coach with compassion (much later, even the next day): “When you and your brother agree to roughhouse, sometimes one of you will accidentally get hurt. I”m going to create some rules: No punching, no biting or hair pulling, and no wrestling when hungry or angry. If any of those things are true, we cannot wrestle. You’re such a good person. We are all learning, and yesteday it was too tricky because you were both tired and hungry. Going forward, we will follow these rules.”