Notes From The Trenches
Yes, ladies, I’m comparing it to warfare. What am I talking about?
The birth of my second child.
Not everyone has as terrible of a time as I did- and bless them for that- but if you did have a terrible transition or you are in the thick of it right now, this article is for you.
Backstory: I had a calm intro to parenting with my firstborn son. He was “easy” as far as babies go. He grew into an extremely busy but healthy and happy little two year old, who spent long hours helping me in the kitchen. We did pretty much everything together, from long walks to making dinner and reading books. I was able to do most of my work at night after he went to bed. Life was simple. I was blissfully happy.
Enter baby two and my world was totally rocked. I was constantly soaked with anxiety sweat, anticipating the next meltdown from my toddler while my newborn cried endlessly. My toddler missed our constant one on one time. I had a VBAC with my second child (a vaginal birth after cesarean) and my sore body could hardly handle any sort of playtime or connection, nonetheless meal prep, laundry, and cleaning, nursing… the list goes on and on of all the balls I was dropping.
Every time I did a quick Google search for something I was struggling with, it seemed I found all these sites for moms who had it together. “Get them on a schedule” they lectured at me. How does that help me right now?? I would think as I anxiously tried to ignore my crying baby while my toddler was tossing and turning, the eternal moments ticking by as he once again did not fall asleep for his usual nap. Yes, I was that inept. Please, judge me. I can assure you that no one was judging me more than myself.
Who ARE all these mothers who have it so together? I’d see them in the Whole Foods parking lot- juggling what looked to be twelve shining golden children, all of whom seemed to have their hair nicely brushed and they’d be drinking a green smoothie, while my kid had his face plastered with evidence of his chocolate donut and hadn’t had his hair brushed in months. Don’t even ask me about how often his teeth were getting brushed.
Down the rabbit hole my thoughts would go, judging myself when I was already struggling. It was truly awful.
Here are a few things I wish someone had told me during those really hard weeks.
1. Your connection with your firstborn will be restored. Right now, you may feel like you’re giving all your attention to your new baby and just barely scraping by with your toddler. It feels awful. The guilt is tremendous. With some time and attention once you feel physically better, and a few hours of one-on-one time with them (later) you will feel that closeness with them again. I promise your weary mama heart. In the meantime, if you can, try not to drown in the guilt of it. Know that you’re doing your absolute best and it will get better before you know it.
2. Anything you can do to curb the exhaustion right now is worth it. Exhaustion makes us all extra emotional and short tempered. If you feel too raw and alone, rest whenever you can. Sleep when the baby sleeps- they say. No, I say- actually do it. You will feel less vulnerable and sad if you get a little extra sleep. Give your toddler that extra show. And then another one. No, his brain won’t melt. I know, I know- he hasn’t seen a single moment of television before the baby was born. It will be ok. Let your body heal. If they both nap, nap at the same time. If a friend wants to come visit, tell them what you really need is a hug and dinner dropped on the front porch. Or let them come in for a visit if that is what you need. Let your husband pick up dinner on the way home. It’s been a month since the baby was born and you feel guilty? Don’t. These transitions take everyone more time than expected.
3. Do whatever you need to do to make breast/bottle feeding easy. Do not obsess and judge yourself for bottle feeding, pumping, not pumping, formula feeding, or whatever you decide. For me, it looked like breastfeeding and bottle feeding to supplement. I could not fathom breastfeeding and then still sitting there to pump after all while my toddler was going crazy around the house. Yes, your baby can breast and bottle feed and accept both nipple and bottle. Or you can decide that your toddler will watch TV for four hours a day while you get the hang of it and breastfeed and pump Or six hours. Or eight. YOU DO YOU MAMA. Oh, and if your toddler goes insane while you breastfeed, normal. I have some pointers to help with that here. *** hyperlink to breastfeeding article
4. If your toddler is attempting to hit, bite, hug, strangle hug, pick up, or hide the baby, IT’S ALL NORMAL. If your toddler is angry with you, normal. If your toddler has zero interest in the baby, normal. If you’re trying desperately to have a calm reaction to these moments but it breaks your heart and infuriates you, that’s normal too. If your child hugs the baby one moment then tries to bite it the next, normal. Understand that your tiny child is feeling conflicted and threatened by the presence of this adorable baby that mom and dad love and protect so fiercely. This is terrifying to them. Any understanding you can show while calmly holding safe limits is helpful. They are doing nothing but acting out of fear and impulse. Their entire world is threatened by this new baby. Know that they can become close in spite of this- especially if their feelings are honored and respected. I will share the most helpful article I found about this stressful dynamic here.
5. Hire help if you can, even if it’s for a few hours a week. Let them clean your house and make some meals. Let your brand new baby get used to someone else holding them so you can spend a few hours a week with your firstborn as quickly as possible.
6. Spend time alone with your firstborn. I went on my first outing with Cruz when Jase was 6 weeks old. We went for a walk around the neighborhood and looked for wildflowers and lizards and bugs and just played. It was so beautiful I wish I had done it sooner. I cried, which totally freaked him out. We both needed the alone time desperately. If you don’t have help, insist your husband be alone with the baby. Literally make him do it. Do not accept no as an answer. If you’re solo parenting, maybe take one nap time per week to give your toddler undivided attention, or put the baby to bed earlier so you can read books with your toddler and snuggle. Anything to get those 15 minutes of undivided attention.
7. If your child(ren) eats nothing but peanut butter and jelly, cereal and goldfish for weeks on end, it’s ok. It will pass. Your child will return to eating regular food when you’re ready to have normal meals again. For me, it was really hard to prepare food at first while watching the baby and Cruz. I could not figure it out. Gradually I did, and Cruz resisted a lot of his normal foods at first but I just kept offering them and sticking with it. No judgement on yourself or your toddler- big siblings have been through a lot and their routines have been disrupted. If he didn’t eat well he would have his next snack at a predetermined time and I bumped it up if necessary. All good. He returned to being a very diversified eater in minimal time. Having a ton of ready to serve fruit on hand helped, like berries that just need a rinse or pre-cut melon.
8. You don’t have to figure out naptime and bedtime all at once. I remember being soaked in sweat trying to get Jase (the new baby) to nap or sleep in his crib as the clock inched closer to Cruz’s naptime and bedtime. Looking back, I was afraid if the baby napped or slept on me he would never nap alone. This is a lie that sleep-training and cry it out proponents love to tell us. When naptime or bedtime comes, you can all lay down together while you nurse or bottle feed the baby to sleep and lay with your toddler until both fall asleep. Maybe you fall asleep too- even better. If you normally read books and that’s too hard to do because you haven’t figured out how to hold the baby, breastfeed or hold the bottle and the book all at once, we’ve all been there. Let your toddler hold your phone and watch The Very Hungry Caterpillar on YouTube or a few animated books. Gasp! More screen time?!? I know. It nearly killed me but not as much as the anxiety of trying to figure it all out those first weeks. Animated books saved my life. Yes, your toddler will love books again. You could also try a relaxing lullaby playlist or an audio book if you prefer. Depending on the age of your firstborn, those could work.
9. If your toddler hasn’t watched a single minute of TV in their short life on this earth and they’ve watched 10 hours of TV A DAY in the first weeks that the baby was born, normal. Yes, you can get back to little or no TV sooner than you think and it won’t be as hard as you expect. Don’t judge yourself. Bonus: you’ll probably find some new characters, movies, soundtracks and shows that bring you more fun and togetherness than expected. To this day I thank Frozen for getting us through that time. Sometimes us perfectionist no screen mamas need to relax a little and survive and make it fun, not loaded with guilt. Trust that your child and the foundation you’ve laid will pay off. Your values will remain the same and you WILL get back to little or no screen time as you’re ready. I promise you.
10. Finally, for my most important survival tip of all, learn how to verbally acknowledge and emotionally support your toddler during this time. This literally saved my life. I was drowning in his emotions, his meltdowns, his feelings. I was so anxious for the next meltdown and so hormonal and exhausted that I was weak and had no idea how to handle him. My normally easy, happy-go-lucky child was having a hard time adjusting to life with his new brother and it was just about killing me because I was scolding him all day. Plus, scolding him didn’t work- things escalated further. The article I linked above helped me tremendously to stand on my own two feet and meet him with confidence and compassion- while pulling out all his sadness and feelings of isolation that his new brother was now taking up so much of my time and attention.
It’s shocking how hard the transition to a second child can be. I was truly blindsided. If you feel inadequate, stressed, sad, and worried, I can promise you that you are not alone in these feelings and your babies are lucky to have you. Judge yourself less and look them in the eyes and tell them a million times a day that you love them, and things will get better in time- I promise.