Yes, I’m comparing it to warfare. What am I talking about?
The birth of my second child.
I vividly remember one day sitting on the couch a couple months after my second son was born, holding both of my crying children. My lap felt tiny and inadequate as they squirmed and cried, and neither could get comfortable. My toddler got so frustrated that he reached over and tried to push the baby off my lap. My heart shattered. Horrified, I began to cry too, thinking, I will never be able to meet both of their needs again. It wasn’t true, but in that moment, it felt so real. I was overwhelmed, exhausted, and riddled with guilt. My body, still sore from a VBAC, couldn’t keep up with the demands of playtime, meal prep, or even basic connection. I was struggling in every way.
Not everyone’s transition to two kids feels as overwhelming as mine did. Friends have told me their first baby was the hardest, or the third. But for me, going from one to two kids rocked my world. If you’re feeling alone or overwhelmed right now, I wrote this for you. I wrote it when I was just a few weeks into finally feeling confident with both of my kids, but still freshly remembering how hard it felt. I wanted to capture it—for myself and for other moms—because I never found anything like this at my lowest point. And because I didn’t, I judged myself so harshly for struggling.
The Backstory
My firstborn son was a relatively easy introduction to parenting. He was a happy, chill baby. We spent our days peacefully together—long walks, millions of books, circle time at the library, and fun in the kitchen. I worked at night after he went to bed or during the day when he napped or played. Life felt simple. Honestly, it felt like heaven. Even as he grew into toddlerhood, we thrived spending so many peaceful days together.
And then came baby number two, and my world was turned upside down.
My newborn cried endlessly. My toddler missed our one-on-one time and began melting down or acting out constantly. He had also just turned two and was experiencing big emotions right after his brother was born. There were so many moments when both of my children were crying, and my heart ached trying to decide who to hold. I felt like I was failing both of them. As I soon learned, the decision to try and hold both of them at once was an absolute failure as well.
Every Google search stressed me out even more. “Get them on a schedule,” the advice said. I’d try to stagger their naps so I could attend to both of them, only to have my toddler barge in a million times while I was putting the baby to sleep. I’d see moms in the Whole Foods parking lot juggling what looked like twelve golden children, sipping green smoothies, while my toddler’s face was plastered with chocolate donut and the baby cried in his carrier. How do they do it? I’d wonder. My two children felt like a dozen.
I felt sad, lonely, overwhelmed, and inadequate. And—this part is hard to admit—I missed my quiet days with only my firstborn.
Here’s the thing about difficult transitions: they force us to confront our limits, to let go of perfection, and reach for growth.
I came out stronger from this very hard season, and things got easier and happier in our home. If you’re having a hard time, I want you to know that ease is coming your way. You will get there. You will figure it out, and soon you’ll be thriving.
Here are some things I wish someone had shared with me when I was in the thick of it. Be sure to keep reading, because the last one is actually the most empowering and transformative tip for your entire household.
Your Connection with your firstborn will be restored.
Right now, it might feel like your bond with your firstborn is slipping away. At one point, my older son started preferring his dad, hitting me, and rejecting me. He was so hurt from the massive change in our lives. I promise you, with a little effort on your part and some time to heal, it’s temporary. Hold onto that hope and give your older child little moments of undivided attention wherever you can. Do whatever you can not to punish or shame them when they have tantrums or are upset. Their brains are haywire from the threat of this newborn baby, stealing all of mommy's attention. Understand that they may feel rejected and that is why they are rejecting you. Be firm but gentle in your insistence that you put them to bed sometimes, or do bedtime stories, because you know what is best for them and that is definitely time with you- even if they think they want to reject you. Fight for that connection. Be their steady leader.
Rest Is Essential.
Exhaustion makes everything harder, heavier, and more raw. Sleep when the baby sleeps. Let your toddler watch extra TV. Accept help. These aren’t signs of failure—they’re acts of survival.
Breastfeeding, bottle feeding, supplementing—it’s all okay.
Do what works for you and your family. Your baby needs love and nourishment, not perfection. You can breast and bottle feed at the same time- most babies will accept both. I did not have an adequate breastmilk supply, but I could not fathom pumping after nursing while my toddler was already going bananas. My solution was homemade baby formula recommended by my pediatrician. I would nurse, then supplement with formula after until he was full. He nursed for years with this combo.
Your Toddler’s Reactions Are Normal.
If your toddler is attempting to hit, bite, hug, smother, pick up, or hide the baby, IT’S ALL NORMAL. When my toddler first met his newborn brother, he first tried to offer him a toy... then he tried to smother/hug him, offered him a blankie, then a chocolate covered strawberry, and then he straight up bit him only a couple hours later!! If your toddler has zero interest in the baby, normal. If you’re trying desperately to have a calm reaction to these moments but it breaks your heart and infuriates you, that’s normal too. Understand that your older child is feeling threatened by the presence of this adorable baby. Calmly hold safe limits but understand that they are not bad- they are afraid. I will share the most helpful article I found about this stressful dynamic and holding boundaries here.
Help Is Not a Luxury
If you can, hire help. I wish I had hired more help for myself. Even a few hours a week can make a world of difference. Let someone else clean, cook, or hold the baby so you can rest or reconnect with your firstborn.
Small Moments Matter
My first outing with my toddler after the baby was born was a simple walk around the neighborhood. We looked for wildflowers, lizards, and bugs. It was so beautiful that I cried, which totally freaked him out. I had missed him so much while caring constantly for my crying newborn. It reminded me that connection doesn’t have to be complicated. I wish I had done it sooner- we both needed the time just the two of us.
Peanut Butter and Jelly Is Fine, and not permanent
After struggling with a raging eating disorder for most of my life, I’m a bit of a nutrition nerd. I was possibly too controlling about what my toddler was eating. His first foods were gently cooked egg yolks, bone broth, and green smoothies. Enter baby two and he was literally living off pb&s and goldfish, on repeat. I was terrified after weeks of processed food that he would reject the nourishing meals we were used to. In time, I offered more easy foods like scrambled eggs, avocado, pre-made guacamole and hummus, pre-chopped veggies and fruit, and anything that is low maintenance but added variety. In time, he returned to his normal foods and less processed snacks.
Forget Perfect Sleep Schedules
The sleep experts had me terrified that the baby should not sleep on my chest, or in the carrier, and that I needed to sleep train and get us all on a schedule right away. Add to the mix the fact that the baby was colicky and was barely sleeping at all- and that makes for one nervous wreck of a mama. Please, if it’s easier, let the baby nap on you. Lay down with your toddler. Lay down with both of them at the same time and snuggle and rest. Let your nervous system re-set, and enjoy those moments of quiet. Get as much rest as all of you need, in the easiest way possible.`
The millions of hours of TV are not permanent.
My toddler had literally watched zero minutes of TV before his baby brother was born. Enter colicky newborn? Allll of my goals and boundaries around screen time literally disappeared before my eyes, and added another area where I felt like I was failing my toddler. I promise you that YES, you can and will get back to little or no screens if that is your goal. As things got easier with my newborn, I gradually reduced TV time until we were back to no TV at all until he got older.
This next tip is everything. I mean it—everything- because it sets the tone for every hard moment in the day and gives you the confidence you need to.
Learn how to acknowledge and support your older children’s feelings while holding firm, safe boundaries.
I remember one terrifying moment when my toddler threw his first tantrum. He wanted a popsicle for breakfast, and when I said he could have one after lunch he threw himself on the floor in his first actual physical fit. I froze. I panicked! He had never done this before. What was I supposed to do? Ignore him? Scold him? Scoop him up? This moment is burned in my brain as a moment when I really let him down, because my mama’s instinct told me clearly that this moment was not about the popsicle but I did not know how to support him. I knew in my heart that he was missing my time and attention, and he needed me to show up for him in that moment with strength and compassion.
When I started acknowledging my son’s perspective everything changed for both of us. He felt seen, heard, and understood. And I learned how to be his leader. He knew he mattered to me—not because I dropped everything in the moment, or gave him what he wanted, but because I acknowledged his feelings and respected his perspective. That’s the magic. It’s the greatest gift you can give your child, and it will bring you emotional relief and so much strength, too.
Leadership often sounds like “I can see you’re upset. I won’t allow you to hit,” while stopping or gently holding his hands. (Notice how this is different from simply saying “hands are not for hitting!” or punishing them and sending them to timeout. Or, “You really wish you could have the popsicle right now.” as I sat near him on the floor until the meltdown passed, holding space without judgement. Or, “You want to climb into the crib. I won’t allow that while the baby is sleeping,” as I calmly removed him from the crib’s side.
This isn’t about being harsh—it’s about being STEADY. For me, it was a learned skill that took me a lot of practice. It’s about showing them that their feelings are valid, but there are limits that keep everyone safe and respected and often I was the steady, physical boundary.
That balance of empathy and leadership? It’s transformative - and it fosters a more loving relationship between your children because it reduces their belief that their new sibling is a threat.
Parenting two kids didn’t just challenge me—it changed me. It taught me resilience, patience, flexibility and it guided me toward being the leader I have become. It forced me to let go of perfectionism. It taught me to be the captain of the ship instead of drowning in my children’s behaviors and emotions.
If you’re in the thick of it right now, know this: you are not alone. You are not failing. Look your babies in the eyes, tell them you love them a million times a day, and trust that things will get easier. Because they will.
Take a minute to narrate to yourself all of the things that you are doing right. I’m serious- actually say it to yourself, whatever applies. "My children are fed. We are are all safe and warm. I can handle this. I can figure this out. I’ve got this.”
