Yes, I’m comparing it to warfare. What am I talking about?
The birth of my second child.
Not everyone’s transition to two kids feels as overwhelming as mine did. Friends have said their first baby was the hardest, or the third. Wherever you may be, if you’re feeling alone or overwhelmed right now, I wrote this for you. I literally wrote it when I was only a few weeks into feeling confident with both of my kids, but freshly remembering how hard it felt. I wanted to remember- and share for moms later- because I never found anything like this at my lowest point, and it made me judge myself very harshly for having such a hard time.
The backstory.
My firstborn son was a relatively easy introduction to parenting. He was a happy and chill baby, We spent our days peacefully together—long walks, millions of books, circle time at the public library and fun together in the kitchen. I worked at night after he went to bed, or during the day when he napped or played. Life felt simple, Honestly, it felt like heaven. Even as he grew into toddlerhood, we thrived spending a lot of peaceful days together.
And then came baby number two, and my world was rocked.
My newborn cried endlessly. My toddler missed our one-on-one time and began melting down or acting out constantly. He had also just turned two and was experiencing big emotions right after his brother was born, There were many moments when both of my children were crying and my heart ached trying to decide who to hold. I remember a specifically painful moment when I was trying to hold both boys and my toddler reached over and tried to push the baby off my lap. Horrifed, I began to cry too. as I thought I would never be able to meet both of their needs again (not true, but how I felt in the moment).
My body, sore from a VBAC, couldn’t keep up with the demands of playtime, meal prep, or even basic connection. I was really struggling.
Every Google search stressed me even more, with advice from moms who had it all together. “Get them on a schedule,” they’d say. I would stress and sweat as nap time neared, visualizing both of them crying for my company and not knowing who to attend to first, or how to get them both to sleep. I’d try to carefully stagger their naps so I could attend to both of them, only to have my toddler barge in a million times when I was putting the baby to sleep.
I’d see these moms in the Whole Foods parking lot—juggling what looked like twelve shining golden children, sipping green smoothies, while my toddler’s face was plastered with chocolate donut and the baby cried in his carrier. How do they do it? I’d wonder. My two children felt like a dozen.
I felt sad, lonely, overwhelmed, inadequate and - I’m ashamed to admit - I missed my quiet days with only my firstborn.
The Shift
Here’s the thing about difficult transitions: they force us to confront our limits, to let go of perfection, and reach for growth.
I came out stronger from this very hard season, and things got easier and happier in our home. If you’re having a hard time, I want you to know that ease and confidence is coming your way. You will get there. You will figure it out, and soon you’ll be thriving.
Here are some things I wish someone had shared with me when I was in the thick of it. Be sure to keep reading, because the last one is actually the most empowering and transformative tip for your entire household.
Your Connection with your firstborn will be restored.
Right now, it might feel like your bond with your firstborn is slipping away. At one point, my older son started preferring his dad, hitting me, and rejecting me. He was so hurt from the massive change in our lives. I promise you, with a little effort on your part and some time to heal, it’s temporary. Hold onto that hope and give your older child little moments of undivided attention wherever you can. Understand that they may feel rejected and that is why they are rejecting you. Be firm but gentle in your insistence that you put them to bed sometimes, or do bedtime stories, because you know what is best for them and that is definitely time with you- even if their little brain is going haywire and they think they want to reject you. Fight for that connection. Be their steady leader.
Rest Is Essential.
Exhaustion makes everything harder, heavier, and more raw. Sleep when the baby sleeps. Let your toddler watch extra TV. Accept help. These aren’t signs of failure—they’re acts of survival.
Breastfeeding, bottle feeding, supplementing—it’s all okay.
Do what works for you and your family. Your baby needs love and nourishment, not perfection. You can breast and bottle feed at the same time- most babies will accept both. I did not have an adequate breastmilk supply, but I could not fathom pumping after nursing while my toddler was already going bananas. My solution was homemade baby formula recommended by my pediatrician. I would nurse, then supplement with formula after until he was full. Ironically, my baby nursed for an embarrassing number of years with this combo of nursing with supplementation!
Your Toddler’s Reactions Are Normal.
If your toddler is attempting to hit, bite, hug, smother, pick up, or hide the baby, IT’S ALL NORMAL. When my toddler first met his newborn brother, he first tried to offer him a toy. Then he tried to hug him, then he offered him a blankie, then a chocolate covered strawberry, and then he bit him!! Straight up like that… just bit him and then looked at me to see what I would do. I was so hormonal I probably cried. If your toddler has zero interest in the baby, normal. If you’re trying desperately to have a calm reaction to these moments but it breaks your heart and infuriates you, that’s normal too. Understand that your older child is feeling threatened by the presence of this adorable baby. Calmly hold safe limits but understand that they are not bad- they are afraid. I will share the most helpful article I found about this stressful dynamic and holding boundaries here.
Help Is Not a Luxury
If you can, hire help. I wish I had hired more help for myself. Even a few hours a week can make a world of difference. Let someone else clean, cook, or hold the baby so you can rest or reconnect with your firstborn.
Small Moments Matter
My first outing with my toddler after the baby was born was a simple walk around the neighborhood. We looked for wildflowers, lizards, and bugs. It was so beautiful that I cried, which totally freaked him out. I had missed him so much while caring constantly for my crying newborn. It reminded me that connection doesn’t have to be complicated. I wish I had done it sooner- we both needed the time just the two of us.
Peanut Butter and Jelly Is Fine, and not permanent
After struggling with a raging eating disorder for most of my life, I’m a bit of a nutrition nerd. I was possibly (hehe) too controlling about what my toddler was eating. His first foods were gently cooked egg yolks, bone broth, and green smoothies. We hadn’t strayed far from that. Enter baby two and he was literally living off pb&s and goldfish, on repeat. He was ecstatic from the sugar and carb overload, and I was devastated and judging myself. I was terrified after weeks of processed food that he would reject the nourishing meals we were used to. Looking back, I wish I could have relaxed a little and stopped judging myself- it took months for me to figure out cooking with both kids but eventually we returned to normal. In time, I offered more easy foods like scrambled eggs, avocado, pre-made guacamole and hummus, pre-chopped veggies and fruit, and anything that is low maintenance but added variety.
Forget Perfect Sleep Schedules
The sleep experts had me terrified that the baby should not sleep on my chest, or in the carrier, and that I needed to sleep train and get us all on a schedule right away. Add to the mix the fact that the baby was colicky and was barely sleeping at all- and that makes for one nervous wreck of a mama. Please, if it’s easier, let the baby nap on you. Lay down with your toddler. Lay down with both of them at the same time and snuggle and rest. Let your nervous system re-set, and enjoy those moments of quiet. Get as much rest as all of you need, in the easiest way possible.
The millions of hours of TV are not permanent.
My toddler had literally watched zero minutes of TV before his baby brother was born. Enter colicky newborn? Allll of my goals and boundaries around screen time literally disappeared before my eyes, and added another area where I felt like I was failing my toddler. Take it from me- their brains will not melt. Don’t judge yourself. I promise you that YES, you can and will get back to little or no screens if that is your goal. As things got easier with my newborn, I gradually reduced TV time until we were back to only a little in the afternoons, or most day none at all.
This next tip is everything. I mean it—everything- because it sets the tone for every hard moment in the day and gives you the confidence you need to.
Learn how to acknowledge and support your older children’s feelings while holding firm, safe boundaries.
I remember one terrifying moment when my toddler threw his first tantrum. He wanted a popsicle for breakfast, and when I said he could have one after lunch he threw himself on the floor in an actual physical fit. I froze. I panicked! He had never done this before. What was I supposed to do? Ignore him? Scold him? Scoop him up? This moment is burned in my brain as a moment when I really let him down, because my mama’s instinct told me clearly that this moment was not about the popsicle but I did not know how to support him. I knew in my heart that he was missing my time and attention, and he needed me to show up for him in that moment with strength and compassion.
When I started acknowledging my son’s perspective when he was upset or melting down, all while holding confident boundaries, everything changed for both of us. He felt seen, heard, and understood. And I learned how to be his leader. He knew he mattered to me—not because I dropped everything in the moment, or gave him what he wanted, but because I acknowledged his feelings and respected his perspective. That’s the magic. It’s the greatest gift you can give your child, and it will bring you emotional relief and so much strength, too.
Leadership in those moments often meant physically holding boundaries. It sounded like: “I can see you’re upset. I won’t allow you to hit,” while stopping or gently holding his hands. (Notice how this is different from simply saying “hands are not for hitting!” or punishing them and sending them to timeout. Or, “You really wish you could have the popsicle right now.” as I sat near him on the floor until the meltdown passed, holding space without judgement. Or, “You want to climb into the crib. I won’t allow that while the baby is sleeping,” as I calmly removed him from the crib’s side.
This isn’t about being harsh—it’s about being STEADY. For me, it was a learned skill that took me a lot of practice. It’s about showing them that their feelings are valid, but there are limits that keep everyone safe and respected.
That balance of empathy and leadership? It’s transformative - and it fosters a more loving relationship between your children because it reduces their belief that their new sibling is a threat.
Parenting two kids didn’t just challenge me—it changed me. It taught me resilience, patience, and it guided me toward being the emotional leader I have become. It forced me to start letting go of my controlling perfectionism and be more flexible and optimistic.
It taught me to be the captain of the ship instead of drowning in my children’s behaviors and emotions.
If you’re in the thick of it right now, know this: you are not alone. You are not failing. I’m rooting for you as you climb your way out of the trenches into the ease of feeling more confident.
Look your babies in the eyes, tell them you love them a million times a day, and trust that things will get easier. Because they will.
