After School Meltdown
When My Son Melts Down After School: What I’m Learning About Boys, Emotions, and Soft Landings
Lately, my six-year-old has been melting down after school.
And honestly? I kinda thought we’d be past this by now.
But no. He’s often cranky the second he gets in the car. Snappy. Angry. A tiny disappointment—the wrong snack, the radio not working- can set off an avalanche.
And let me just say… it hurts. It’s hard when I show up excited to see him, with a snack and a smile, and within minutes, he’s rolling his eyes, snapping at me, or melting into tears. There have been days I’ve pulled away from school with tears in my own eyes, wondering what I’m missing. Wondering what I’m doing wrong.
I’d heard of this happening with younger kids—the idea of a “soft landing.” The relief of being back with their safe person after a long, exhausting day. The way it all comes out as a meltdown. But I guess I thought six was too old for that?
Still, I’ve found myself wondering:
Is he bored?
Is someone being unkind?
Is he struggling socially?
Is school just too much?
I really don’t know. But I do believe something is going on—maybe even a mix of all of the above. So I’m paying attention and trying to figure it out.
I’ve been learning that around six or seven—right around when those baby teeth start falling out—kids enter a whole new stage. Their need for independence grows. Their awareness deepens. They start to see the world more clearly, in all its joy and heartbreak. It’s a big shift. I recently learned from my dear friend Donna Scott, a holistic psychologist, that during this time children are also suffering from the realization that they are separate individuals from their parents. It causes them stress, confusion, and a sadness that they don’t really understand.
This information - especially that last part from Donna- really helped me understand why my sweet and sensitive six year old has been more reactive and angry lately. He is going through a major transformation.
One thing that’s helped me navigate this season is Maggie Dent’s Mothering Our Boys. In it, she talks about how hard school is on boys especially—and how important it is to be prepared for the after-school crash.
She compares it to a little boy going off to war. All day long he’s trying to be good, to sit still, to follow the rules, to navigate the playground politics. It’s stressful. Draining. And by pickup time, he’s completely overloaded with cortisol, the stress hormone.
What she said next stopped me in my tracks:
“Boys are often more sensitive than we give them credit for. They feel deeply, but they don’t always have the words or tools to express it.”
That’s when I realized—his meltdown isn’t about me. It’s not rejection. It’s a release. I’m the safe place. I’m still the soft landing.
So here’s what we’re doing now:
1. Snack first, always.
Not a sugary one (though a little sweetness doesn’t hurt). I pack something with fat, protein, and a bit of carbs. Think apple slices with peanut butter and cheese, and a chocolate chip cookie too. Balanced snacks help release the stress hormone cortisol. If I’m really scrambling, a drink with electrolytes like LMNT or Redmond Re-Lyte helps shift the mood until I can get some food in him.
2. If I can’t bring food, I bring fun.
Humor helps move cortisol through the body, too—and connection is a powerful regulator. Sometimes I look up a riddle or joke when I pull into the carpool line. Other days I pretend to tackle him when I get out of the car, or scoop him up and spin him around, then pretend to bodyslam him. It makes him laugh, because I’m so uncoordinated. Yes, I do these things. I am above no foolishness to reconnect with him.
3. I resist the urge to ask questions.
It’s so tempting to say, “How was your day?” but the truth is, he usually has no idea. He’s still processing. I’ve learned the stories come out later—once we’re home, once he’s played, once he’s more relaxed.
4. We have a rhythm at dinner:
We do “Rose, Thorn, Bud.” Each of us shares:
A rose (something good),
A thorn (something hard),
And a bud (something we’re looking forward to or learning).
It opens space to talk, without pressure.
5. Our best talks happen at bedtime.
This is when their defenses drop and stories about their day seem to float to the surface on their own. At bedtime I ask some questions if they haven’t told me anything yet. Boys, especially, often need more time to unwind before they can share what’s really going on.
It’s hard, as a mom who craves connection, to wait. To not push for answers. But I’m learning that waiting is actually one of the most loving things I can do.
I’m not sharing this because I’ve figured it all out. I haven’t. Some days I forget the snack. Some days I ask too many questions. Some days I snap back because I’m tired and I take it personally.
If your child is melting down after school, maybe it means he or she feels safe enough to fall apart.
That’s not failure- that’s trust and relief. Kids just have a funny way of showing it.
I'd love to hear from you.
What does after-school time look like in your house? What helps you and your child reconnect? Please let me know- I’m always looking for new tips to try!
#SoftLandings #MotheringOurBoys #GentleParenting #FeelToHeal #AfterSchoolMeltdowns #ConnectionFirst