When Boy Anger Feels Like Too Much
Recently my boys have both gone through a stage where they are explosive. Reactive. Yelling a lot and seemingly out of control.
It scares the shit out of me, honestly.
My mind races, too, as tears come to my eyes.
Have I taught them nothing?
Do they have ZERO self control?
Sometimes I feel much angrier.
What a nasty attitude. I think.
How DARE he.
And then, the guilt rolls in. I think of all the times I’ve yelled at them.
I’ve taught them this.
I’ve failed them totally.
This is literally my fault. How will I ever fix this dynamic.
Ugh. It’s a brutal cycle of self-blame mixed with anger toward them.
Now that they are eight and six, I’ve had less patience than I did when they were younger. I also feel more confused. I thought things would be easier at this point?
I think to myself “they should know better by now” so I feel enraged by their behavior instead of sympathetic like I did when they were toddlers.
But it’s too painful to stay in this space- without solutions, with only anger and fear and knowing that I’m not showing them a different way.
I nerded out on boy psychology and anger — and honestly, it saved our sanity and changed everything for us.
Boys Often Feel Anger When It's Really Something Else
Here’s something powerful I learned from Raising Emotionally Strong Boys by David Thomas and Sissy Goff:
Boys tend to feel all negative emotions as anger.
Sadness, fear, frustration—they all swirl into one overwhelming feeling, and that often expresses itself as rage. And it’s physical. They need to get it out—through yelling, hitting, punching, jumping, flailing. They don’t always understand it either.
As my dear friend Donna Scott, a child play therapist and psychotherapist says, “Testosterone is a hormone of movement.” This was a major lightbulb for me as well.
My eight-year-old? When his feelings get hurt, he gets angry.
My six-year-old? When he has a tough day at school, he’s explosive and reactive.
When they are having a hard time, this can come out in very intense and intimidating expressions of anger.
The first thing I had to do was look for anything major in their lives that might be making them feel unsettled, unsafe, or triggered. For us, that one was obvious — we moved internationally last year, and they’re deeply homesick. They also miss fishing with their dad every evening, which used to be their special time together. A double whammy.
But it doesn’t always have to be something so big. Sometimes it’s a more subtle stressor — someone bothering them at school, playground dynamics, an overwhelming schedule, or even struggling in a subject that’s starting to chip away at their confidence.
Can you think of any major changes or even small issues that your son might be struggling with?
Once I fully realized that my boys were feeling deeply unsettled — and powerless in the face of all these big changes — I felt hopeful for the first time in weeks. I knew the transition might be hard for them, of course. But I hadn’t yet felt the weight of it, or really understood how often boys experience sadness, grief, and powerlessness as anger. That shift in perspective changed everything.
Biology Matters
Did you know that at just 12 weeks in utero, a male fetus gets flooded with testosterone?
That surge actually impacts the development of the prefrontal cortex—the part of the brain responsible for things like emotional regulation, impulse control, and language. In simple terms? Boys’ brains develop more slowly in those areas. It takes them more effort to find the right words and to manage big feelings.
We know this when they’re toddlers. But somehow, as they grow, we forget. We start expecting more.
Not all boys are intense, of course. But I happen to be raising two very sensitive, very big-feeling ones. Good times.
And honestly? Just knowing that this is normal—that nothing is wrong with them—has been such a relief. It’s helped me meet them with so much more patience and compassion.
Boundaries Still Matter Too
Just because I understand it doesn’t mean I’m willing to be their verbal punching bag. I’m also not going to allow them to slam door, punch each other, or throw things when they are angry.
Yes, we’ve been going there lately.
When they’re in the middle of freaking out? Lecturing or scolding does nothing. Their brains literally can’t take in new information in that state. The teaching comes later.
Honestly, the pause comes easily to me because I still freak out a little inside. I might pause (or startle, rather) and say: “Wow, you sound really angry.” “That really bothered you.” or “You REALLY don’t like what your brother just did.” Some sort of short, direct acknowledgement.
If they continue yelling, I might offer:
“I can year you’re really angry. I don’t want to be called names, or yelled at. Do you want to go for a walk to get some of this anger out, or hit your punching bag?”
Most of the time, they do. I’ll hand them an apple on their way out the door because—let’s be honest—HANGER is real. HANGER is truly a bigger issue for boys, thrusting their brains into a more intense state of panic and overdrive than it does girls. Often my boys are at their nastiest when they are simply hangry.
They usually come back calmer and more connected. When they return and apologize, I always offer a hug- and then what I do next is the most important part.
The Most Crucial Step- Reassure Them of Their Greatness
Boys are especially sensitive to feeling like they’re “bad” or “not getting it right.” Just yesterday, my son said he felt stupid for yelling — even though nothing major had happened. He didn’t know why he reacted that way, and it made him feel confused and disappointed in himself. He himself doesn’t understand that his impulse controls haven’t developed- and that his brain is entering a new stage of development, so his recurrent meltdowns have been affecting his self esteem.
I can’t say this enough: reminding our kids that they’re good, that they’re loved even when they struggle, and that they’re still learning — is vital for their self-worth. They breathe easier when they hear it. You will actually see the relief in their little bodies.
Here is what I often say. “You’re six. You’re still learning how to handle these big feelings — and that’s okay. You’re really good person. I see you trying. You’re figuring it out.”
Try out something along these lines, and watch his self confidence and self control grow as you reassure him that he is an incredible person and he is learning. Reassure him that he is normal.
Sometimes I picture a funny little scene in my head to help me stay calm:
I imagine my son as a tiny child, swinging his fists at me in frustration—trying to hit my legs—but I’m gently holding him back. He can’t really reach me, and I’m just standing there, calm and grounded, not taking it personally.
That image helps me remember what’s really going on: he feels small. Powerless. Flooded with emotions he doesn’t know how to manage.
Make A Plan
Boys don’t just “figure it out”—they need guidance, tools, and support to manage their emotions. Create a plan with them during calm moments, like bedtime or bathtime, to address anger. Together, brainstorm solutions like taking a walk, smashing rocks with a hammer, using a punching bag, grabbing a snack, or all of the above. In time, they will reach for these outlets without you prompting them, and they will learn to move this anger out of their body.
My boys follow through on their plan because they made it themselves. But it takes a LOT of practice and reminders, so don’t give up. They will not use their plan the first 15 times they get angry. They have to form a new habit.
Can you make a plan with your son for what he can do when he is angry? Can you help him blow off some steam after school, or proactively have a snack ready if you can see he is getting hungry?
From the bottom of my heart, I encourage you to start building these bridges now—make a plan, talk openly about anger, and nurture your boys’ emotional and mental well-being so they can truly thrive.
If you have not read it, I highly recommend “Mothering our Boys” by Maggie Dent and “Raising Emotionally Strong Boys” by David Thomas and Sissy Goff.
These podcasts with Maggie offer a ton of helpful insight, too:
https://www.janetlansbury.com/2019/12/boys-do-cry-and-they-need-to-with-maggie-dent/