Protecting Tenderness in Boys

Yesterday, I told my son how proud I was after we finished a tricky Spanish assignment and went in for a big hug. “Don’t hug me!!” he said. I froze for a second, hurt.  I recovered as quickly as I could and said  “Can I tackle you instead?” He nodded and I tackled him onto the couch, playfully punched him a few times, pretended I was breaking his legs over my knees, and we laughed a LOT. 

It reminded me how much he craves that sort of attention from me.  All the tension from the frustrating homework just melted away in those playful moments.

The rest of our day was completely different after this moment. He was responsive, engaged, and helpful. 

10 minutes completely changed our day. 

This moment reminded me of something. 

My son isn’t a hugger. He never has been, but it’s getting “worse” as he gets older.  He used to only reject hugs from extended family. Now, sometimes he doesn't want a hug from me or his dad, and I don't force it.  

That first declined hug is normally a sign I haven't been giving our relationship the fun and attention it deserves. 

I absolutely insist on finding other ways to physically connect with him, and ensure he receives the physical contact he needs.  Plus, when I let that space between us grow too wide I start to feel it on every layer of our relationship. 

Am I perfect about this? No. Does it happen every single day? No. But I do make this effort at least every couple of days, and without question when I notice some distance. 

Why Boys Need Physical Connection

Dr. Michael Reichert, author of How to Raise a Boy, explains:

“Boys don’t stop needing closeness. They just learn to suppress that need because of social pressures.” 

Touch Starvation and Emotional Development: Boys in American culture are particularly vulnerable to touch starvation due to societal expectations of masculinity that discourage emotional and physical closeness, potentially leading to loneliness, depression, anxiety, and attachment issues. https://www.parents.com/how-touch-starvation-impacts-boys-11742396

Touch starvation? Let that phrase sink in for a minute.

Dr. Allan Schore, neuroscientist, psychologist, UCLA School of Medicine:

"Secure attachment between a boy and his caregiver facilitates the optimal development of the prefrontal cortex, the part of the brain responsible for impulse control, decision-making, and emotional regulation. This connection helps boys regulate big emotions and navigate challenges more effectively later in life."

Playful Ways to Reconnect

When my boys and I connect in the ways I'm about to share, I see an immediate shift in my sons' behavior and our relationship.  

The rest of the day shifts. Everything gets better, easier and more relaxed. Here are our favorites: 

Sometimes, when he’s on the floor building, reading, or playing with the dogs, I’ll just sit down next to him. More often than not, he’ll crawl into my lap and continue what he is doing.

He loves “stop punching yourself” when I use his fists to “punch” him across the face with sound effects. Of course I never hurt him but it gets us very physically close and makes us both laugh. (I remember my dad doing this with me when I was a girl, and it brings me a lot of happiness. My dad's sound effects were much better than mine, but my son seems to appreciate them nonetheless.)

He usually wakes up wanting to sit on my lap for a few minutes. When I hear his door open I usually throw myself on the floor like a desperate loser and hope he climbs on my lap. Or I stop what I'm doing and go sit on the couch. Nothing is beneath me.  99% of the time, he heads straight for my lap.

He still loves the classic airplane game, though now we joke that I’m the airplane. The shocking part is that he can actually lift me off the ground. It doesn’t last long but we laugh and try a few times anyway…. then I jokingly concede and let him be the airplane.

At bedtime, he loves reading a book then falling asleep with my arm around him. And yes, I still put him to bed because I love the closeness so much. I will never rush him out of this closeness.

We play this game where I hold him tight and don’t let him escape. He tries to wiggle away- sometimes I let him win, and sometimes I don’t. He gets to decide how hard I make it for him. And of course, I’m threatening and growling, “You’ll never get awaaaaaay” the whole time. It's insane to me how often he asks to play this game. (I got this idea from psychologist Lawrence Cohen in his incredible book, Playful Parenting).

We play fight, and I pick him up and spin him around. He's getting so tall and heavy I know we are nearing the end of this game.

And then there’s “burrito” or “pizza,” where I wrap him in a blanket, squish him tight, and pretend to add toppings. I’ll “squish out the dough,” slather him with “sauce,” and sprinkle “cheese” and “pepperoni” or any other toppings all over him. The more toppings the better! For a burrito, I spread out some “beans”, “cheese”, karate chop “onions” all over him, slather him with “salsa”, and squish him all up in a blanket. For kids who like a lot of sensory input, it’s perfect. I've never met a child who doesn't love this one.

He likes when I crack an “egg” on his head and use my fingers to simulate the egg running down over his scalp and neck.

 We often joke around and I ask for piggyback rides, jumping on his back. Of course, we both end up on the floor laughing hysterically, and then I swoop him up and carry him around instead. 

His favorite is when I pretend to snap his arms and legs like a twig over my knee. Its so absurd that we always laugh hysterically. 

When we hit a rough patch, I’ll ask myself, “When was the last time we were slightly ridiculous together? When’s the last time he at least sat on my lap?”

The Science Behind Touch and Bonding

Physical touch is so important—it helps kids develop self worth, emotional security, and trust. It lowers cortisol (the stress hormone) and increases oxytocin, which fosters bonding. When my boys and I play like this they are visibly happier, more responsive to me, and more relaxed. 

They also fight with each other less, because they are feeling so filled up with love and attention, and deeply secure in their closeness to me. I have zero doubts about the reason for this shift in their relationship to each other.

Why am I bothering to share this?

Because often I’m parenting “around” my boys, struggling to understand their chaos and high energy play. These types of ideas allow me to deeply reconnect with them and it fills my heart tremendously- and I want the same for all the other boy moms out there, and their little boys. 

Your turn: what is this bringing to mind for you?

What’s one playful way you can connect with your son this week? 

I promise, you will see a shift in their behavior and your connection. And you’ll find yourself feeling more fun and lighthearted than you have in awhile. 

You may even find them coming in for more hugs, and climbing into your lap without having to act as desperate as I do.

Maybe the boys are doing something right after all. 

Sending love, hugs and hopes for some degree of roughhousing.

Emily 

If you’re raising a boy here are a few resources and reflections:

🎧 Free Audio: Boys, Anger, Punishment and Isolation

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